Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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