And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
