So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
