haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize