Me too!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
