his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I feel like abortions should bother me more
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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