my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
