i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
