I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
