you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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