U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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