she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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