he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
they're like a gay fantastic four
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
