I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
