Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
