If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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