just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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