I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
