ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
