Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
