i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
