Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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