Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
