is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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