ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
