On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
