Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
