Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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