last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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