I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
