508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
