There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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