i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
