worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
