I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
