I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
