my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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