I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
