Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
