some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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