i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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