he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize