My friends, they love my intelligence
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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