Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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