Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
