so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
