i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
