you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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