totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
