dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
