Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
