I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
