but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
