Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
