Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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