I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
