I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
