textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
