Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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