I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I wear drunk well.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
