you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
