last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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