It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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