If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
